Fairy Lavender (You're Not Nothing)

It dawned on me recently that if someone asks me, “Hey, what do you do?” my instinct is to say, “Nothing.”

That’s not true at all – technically I have two jobs. I work part-time in retail and I freelance for a magazine. The number of hours I work in a week varies a lot, but I absolutely don’t do nothing. But that is somehow the answer I instinctively feel when somebody asks.

I think this might be because I’m not sure if either of these jobs are what I want to be doing long-term, as though if I’m not working somewhere I can see myself being for the next ten years then I’m just wasting my time, dragging my feet. Or maybe it’s because I have two degrees now, and I feel like I owe it to myself to be working somewhere that demands that level of education. Or maybe I even feel like people will look down on me if I tell them I work in a shop. (Although that’s just plain ridiculous – I don’t look down on people who work in shops, and anyway, I know anyone who does do this is just a snob, so I don’t see why I’m so paranoid other people will do it to me.)

Whatever the reason may be, I think it’s important for me to remember that there is far more to me than just my job, and I feel like there are a lot of people in a similar position to me who need to remember that, too. Maybe you don’t feel fulfilled by the job you’re working at; maybe you’re not working at all right now; maybe you’ve got no idea what you actually want to do long term. But even so, that doesn’t mean that you’re inherently worthless.

The other day, an elderly customer rang the shop where I worked and told my boss that the lady who served her (🙋) was really friendly and spent a lot of time helping her, and the customer really appreciated it. When something like that happens, it makes my day. I’m not changing the world by any means, but I made one person’s day slightly better.

I bet everyone has plenty of little stories like that; small interactions that maybe you don’t feel like you should be proud of, but you really should! They don’t have to be work-related. Maybe you try to be a great friend. Or you make sure you call your grandparents every so often. Or you’re proud of being a good cook. Or maybe your dog really fricking loves you.

I’m proud of being Fairy Lavender. When my twin cousins were three, we went for a walk in a forest and found a tree with a tiny wooden door nailed to it. They were ecstatic – they’d seen a fairy house! Where a real, live fairy lived! Later, when we got home, they were playing in the garden and I snuck out with a tea-set from an old dolls house and arranged it where I knew they’d find it, next to a lavender plant. Soon, they were shrieking for everyone to come and look – a fairy lived in this garden, too, in the lavender bush! It was Fairy Lavender!

Fairy Lavender started sending them post cards whenever they’d been really good, telling them well done, keep trying, good job. Two years later, they still believe they have a fairy friend who writes them letters (although God knows, it won’t be long now until they’re too old to believe in magic). 

So, all in all, I don’t think I’ll look back at this weird, pandemic-centred period of my life and think I wasted my time doing nothing. I’ll remember that, for a time, I got to be a fairy for two little girls, who will remember how exciting it was to get a letter in the post full of glitter from the fairy who says she watched them running races on sports day.

There isn’t really a point to this. It’s more a reminder to me, and whoever else needs to hear it, that you’re never worthless. What you do for a living is one part of your identity, but it’s not necessarily the most important part. Maybe in the future, I’ll have a job I feel like I was born to do. But for now, in this coronavirus-ravaged world, I’m happy being a freelance writer, somebody’s favourite shop assistant and Fairy Lavender.

Love, Aby xxx